I may be wrecking the suspense for you, but in all honesty, I have to let you, the American people, know that Barack Hussein Obama is our next president. I am basing this on science.

Through very rigorous web-based research, by which I mainly mean using Wikipedia and Google, I've discovered that he is the one with the winning middle name.

Hussein is "the diminutive of Hasan, meaning "good" or "handsome." (Thanks Wiki!)

My research shows that the last couple of times we went through this whole presidential election dance, the middle name thing was huge. Look at what the Republican and Democratic parties did to pick their 2008 candidate and you will see that the hard and fast rules of science are at play in the primaries as well. A middle name that means something normal, you are in! Funny, snooty names? Head to the showers.

Gore vs. Bush, 2000. Albert Arnold Gore vs. George Walker Bush. Arnold, from the German for "eagle power." Come on! Could it be any more snooty? Add a governator and the famous pig from Green Acres and there is just no way you can vote for him against a guy whose middle name is Walker, "a fuller of cloth," "one who cleans the wool before it is spun." Plus, everyone loved Jimmy Walker, right? Dy-no-mite. And of course Walker, Texas Ranger is well, The Man. So where was the choice? A cleaner upper with hip slang and karate cop vibes or an eagle-powered snooty name with pig and weight-lifter references? No contest. Walker won.

Bush vs. Kerry, 2004. Was it ever even a contest? John Forbes Kerry. Forbes? "Field" in Gaelic (this Gaelic from Scotland) and full of bears. I can just see the fog and hear the bagpipes wailing as some bard is telling old meaningful tales. Add a reference to the guy whose plane and motorcycle club were each called "Capitalist Tool," and you pretty much kick the Forbes name to the curb. Walker repeats.

Let's also deal with the basement president, Richard Bruce Cheney. At least he is smart enough to know he never stood a chance. Bruce, "of Brieuse," a place in France. France; never a good idea unless its something you eat, drink or, maybe, wear. Add a dead martial arts guy and a way-too-understanding ex of Demi who blows stuff up a lot and it just gets weird. Bonjour, Bruce.

Turn to each party's primary and you will see how this system is what some stats speaking folks call, "highly predictive."

Mitt (real name -- Willard Mitt Romney) is what you wear to play baseball or handle hot things, plus way too close to mutt.

Michael Dale Huckabee. Dale, it's a valley for God's sake. It's a hated (or loved) NASCAR driver. It just wasn't going to fly.

Ron Ernest Paul. Ernest from earnest, "honest and trustworthy." Give that boy some short pants and a gee-wiz merit badge. The voters sent him packing. No surprises with the these Elephant men.

Johnny Reid Edwards (real name) gives us Reid, "from 'red' (originally a nickname given to a person with red hair or a ruddy complexion) and Old English "ried" meaning a clearing. So a redhead with red cheeks who lives in an open spot in the woods. Common man we can handle, a hobo? Not so much.

Hillary brought Rodham to the table. Rodham, "a surname originated in North-East England." At least Bruce and Forbes have people and places associated with them. No one even knows what this name means. It could be scatological or French for all we know. Wiki Rodham and you get a listing of practically Hillary's whole family. Like we want that.

A bunch of other people were in these primaries but who can even remember their first names?

Which brings us to John Sidney McCain and Barack Hussein Obama.

Sidney, from a French place name which was a contraction of "Saint Denis," Saint Denis was, according to Wikipedia, also called Dionysius, Dennis, or Denys. French? Wine swilling and frolicking? We expect that from senators and congressman but with our president, no, no, no. Sidney my man, sorry to say, you are on your way to join Arnold, Dale, Ernest, Forbes, Mitt, Reid and Rodham in the section marked "L" for loser.

That's why based on scientific methodology I can safely say, "Barack Hussein Obama, you are our winner!" Good and handsome: We may be jealous of the handsome part, but we are ready, willing and able to elect a president who is good.

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