Saint Louis Beacon - NICK'S LIST of books and movies

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NICK'S LIST of books and movies - Aug. 25

By Nick Otten, Special to the Beacon

Last Updated ( Tuesday, 26 August 2008 )

"... when I was still running my theater group, The Manhattan Project, Twyla Tharp choreographed the group and me in a four-and-a-half-minute piece which we performed in concert at Town Hall. The piece was absolutely impossible to do. There was no way a group of non-dancers could do it. ... "Do this," she'd say, and we would, and she'd laugh, and then, "Do this," and we would, and she'd laugh, and when we reached performance twelve hundred people leapt to their feet and gave us a dozen curtain calls. There were tears of laughter on people's faces. We had danced one of Twyla's most complex creations with absolute precision very, very badly."

— From Andre Gregory's preface to My Dinner With Andre, 1981

Funny, funny stuff all week -- really bad.

I recently picked up a new book from The Museum of Bad Art. What a thrill. I immediately embarked on a happy trip through bad artwork -- bad paintings, bad poetry, bad movies.

In my experience, very little can provoke such healing laughter as artistic intentions gone wildly wrong. What's funnier than people really trying to be serious and completely screwing up? You think you're un-artistic? Check out some masters.

MOVIE 112

Hamlet 2
(Andrew Fleming, 2008, 92 m.)

Very little in this movie is normal or realistic: The main character's clothing, the evening light, the name of the high school cafeteria, nothing. This movie is even more uncivilized than Pineapple Express. (See Nick's List - Aug. 18 ). The closest comparison I can offer is Waiting for Guffman (1996), but that has all the wry, reasoned wit of any Christopher Guest movie. Hamlet 2 has all the wrong, irrational snort of some strung-out half-drunk bad actor trying to write a high school musical about sexy Jesus and time travel. Wait, got it -- I can give you a contrast -- it's The Music Man, only written by a devil. Steve Coogan (Tropic Thunder, Hot Fuzz, etc.) is spectacular. Elisabeth Shue as Nurse Elisabeth Shue is a revelation. Catherine Keener (Capote, The 40 Year Old Virgin) sneaks up on you, as always.

Don't even think about taking little kids to this movie. The language and concepts are laughably obscene beyond even, well, just beyond, OK. This movie isn't satisfied to be obscene. It's scatological. I've never seen so many butt jokes. Please note: I'm not talking about poopy language -- I'm talking about sight gags. But, oh, it was funny. I can't remember the last time I heard an entire audience burst into applause during a movie. That happened. Something so-bad-it-was-good occurred on the screen and when the onscreen audience applauded, the real audience joined them.

To repeat: this movie is wildly indecent and offensive. Butt.

MOVIE 111

Plan 9 From Outer Space
(Edward D. Wood Jr., b&w, 1953, 79 min.)

What a mess. Movie lovers everywhere know this cult classic, widely considered the worst feature film ever. It's so bad that a funny homage (Tim Burton's Ed Wood, 1994, which won two Oscars) was made about the making of this movie. So much to wonder at: the cardboard sets, the wooden acting, the tin things like hubcaps hanging on strings from outer space, the tract houses from California, the silky Russian shirts worn by aliens.

So many ways for the movie to go wrong, all fully achieved. With Vampira, Bela Lugosi, Tor Johnson and others stumbling back and forth for no good reason. The quotes alone are unique. Before the story begins, the notorious future predictor Criswell (with a blonde spit curl) appears out of the dark to explain the horrors soon to come: "We are all interested in the future for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future."

He apparently means grave robbers from outer space, not the movie.

Book 51

The Worst English Poets
Ed. Christopher Adams, Allan Wingate Publishers, London, 1958, 128 pages.

One of my most treasured books. How appropriate that I get to tell you now -- in its 50th anniversary year! (Somebody should re-print it for the good of us all.) I bought the used book, on a vacation in England long ago, for one pound and taught from it year after year ever since.

It is one of the funniest books I have ever read. Topics cover all the usual sources of bad art: horrible deaths, lost loves, beautiful weather, but also many fine surprises: hungry runaway circus lions, icebergs, cricket matches, how to clean your hunting gun, steam.

The titles alone can be uncanny, including "Earwigs," "Cruelty to Crocodiles" and "On What is Wanting in the Parish to Promote the Comfort of the Labouring Class, and to Increase Their Respectability, Etc." The really informative gun-cleaning poem comes from a book title that is 60 words long (Shooting: A Poem; comprising a General Description...). My favorite title in the book is "Lines Written For a Friend on the Death of His Brother, Caused by a Railway Train Running Over Him Whilst He Was in a State of Inebriation."

Included in the book is "A Tragedy," my choice (and I'm not alone) for the worst poem ever written in our language. The poem is so spectacularly bad that I have included it for your pleasure. (Click here .) To enjoy it fully, I highly recommend reading it aloud to somebody. Equally enchanting, though not as technically ridiculous, is "TO B.M." That poem contains maybe the funniest Freudian slip in the history of English poetry, about a guy who meets a cute girl who pats his pony and soon he's wishing he was the pony, except then he'd be naked, of course, and it's a cold, wet day. Mesmerizing.

I could go on, but I will spare you. I've already erased three paragraphs of commentary on this book. Last point: You can buy it! I found several copies for sale online in the usual places. You can be one of the happy few. It'll probably cost you $20 or so.

Book 50

The Museum of Bad Art: Art Too Bad To Be Ignored
Tom Stankowicz and Marie Jackson, Andrews and McMeel, Kansas City, Mo., 1996, 104 pages.

A MOBA Publication. An oversized paperback with 40 full-color illustrations of some of the most pleasing lousy paintings you can find in print. I cherish this book and took out my copy to re-read after finding the newly published sequel (see below). To enhance the pleasure and in the spirit of the whole bad-art premise, I read the entire thing backward and lingered over each painting as long as possible. An entertaining hour well spent.

If you do not know about The Museum of Bad Art, that is just plain sad. Go online (its address is below) and become a part of a greater world. Happily, I can report that the book is still available. You can buy it from a link at the museum website. This treasure can be yours. Consider yourself a lucky duck.

Book 49

BOOK 49

The Museum of Bad Art: Masterworks
Michael Frank and Louise Reilly Sacco, Ten Speed Press, Berkeley, Calif., 2008, 114 pages. Purchased at St. Louis Art Museum.

MOBA is back and this time in hardcover with more than 70 additional acquisitions from the permanent collection, mostly paintings, plus one or two sculptures. The new book is available at bookstores all over the country and online. These bad artworks clearly illustrate the sustainable growth of the museum and its unique mission.

Now known around the world, MOBA has even survived two notable art thefts. One of the seminal works, the haunting portrait of Eileen, was stolen in 1996, put up for ransom (of $5,000), and after 10 years and negotiations, finally returned. In 2004 the wondrous Self-Portait As A Drainpipe was stolen for an attempted ransom price of $10. Again, the museum refused to pay. One likely reason was that it never pays above $6.50 for any artwork in the first place. Another reason is that the ransomer left no contact info. Even so, the unique portrait was returned with a $10 bill taped onto it. Did the ransomer self-ransom it? Those are just two stories from the world of MOBA.

Without question MOBA is real (and lives in a Boston movie house basement), even if it is virtual, too. You can visit at www.MuseumOfBadArt.org and become a Friend (a FOMOBA) and buy their books and other stuff. You can even submit artwork. Not only do the museum people promise never to return it, they will issue you an official MOBA Rejection Certificate if they do NOT use it. What a deal.

Nick Otten is assistant director in the Theater Program at Clayton High School and adjunct professor in the graduate Communications MAT Program at Webster University. He consumes vast quantities of books and movies. In his description of Nick's List, he says, "For every single work, I’ll quickly post a brief commentary — each week, at least 1 book and 2 movies, usually more. Maybe a paragraph, maybe a page. Sometimes, not often, I may go crazy and write some kind of extra, a page or so, on some movie or pair of movies or some genre, actor, or something else, or how one book relates to another or a movie or you or me or us. Such stuff will be just one click away, guaranteed." If you want to reach Nick, rather than comment on the articles, contact Beacon features and commentary editor Donna Korando.

To read the previous Nick's List posts click Aug. 18 , Aug. 11 , Aug. 4 , July 28 , July 21 , July 14 , July 7 , June 30 , June 23 , June 16, June 9 , June 2 , May 26 , May 19 , May 12, May 5 , April 28 , April 21 , March .

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